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:icondull-glitter: More from dull-glitter


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Writings by Hanaki-chan

poetry by puffballinthedark


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September 23, 2012
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Winter is a blank slate,
but not like Rousseau's—
it cleanses
sucking out warmth like poison
leaving only windburnt frost
tacked to the window pane

all we remember
is the numbness
the shuddering
skittish steps across the ice
snowflakes pasted to our faces
smoke rising from our lips
dragged across bleak clouds

winter has us captured
bound by fur and walls
drifting in our eggshelled silence

bone cold until we birth ourselves by warmth
emerge from our shells wet and heaving
uncurl our fingers one by one
joints crackling like fire at our backs

until spring comes
drip by tender drip
old wounds thaw
we are found raw,
graced again by feeling.
Written back in Spring 2011. I forgot I hadn't posted it yet. :blushes:

Another from my poetry class that turned out to be rather promising. That winter was a LONG one, but at least it gave me plenty of inspiration!

Critique for :iconthewrittenrevolution:
[link]

1. How is the flow of the poem?
2. Do the images carry?
3. Favorite part?

As always, thank you for the comments!

Edit: Wow! :O Another Daily Deviation! I'm extremely grateful, especially to *Mrs-Freestar-Bul for the suggestion and ^thorns for the feature. Many thanks to all who commented and fav'd as well! :heart:
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Daily Deviation

Given 2012-11-28
Dormant by ~dull-glitter ( Suggested by Mrs-Freestar-Bul and Featured by thorns )
:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012
Your fantastic work has been featured in Friday Night Features.
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconme-inator:
ME-inator Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012
I can see the images your words convey as clear as day! My favorite line is, "smoke rising from our lips
dragged across bleak clouds".

Congrats on your DD! :love:
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! :heart: Glad you enjoyed reading it!
Reply
:iconcraazhy:
Craazhy Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Professional Writer
I didn't like this when it started, but by the time it ended I thought it was a masterpiece. I think it was only a fault in my personal taste. Please, carry on. :)
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! :heart: Glad you enjoyed reading.
Reply
:iconstaciejones:
STACIEJONES Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012
That about sums it up in a nutshell.........Couldn't have said it better myself (then again - not a poet)....But have SAD - so I feel as though you wrote for me! 5 STARS
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! :heart: I'm glad you connected with the poem!
Reply
:iconinsomniasquared:
InsomniaSquared Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it!
Reply
:iconarchelyxs:
archelyxs Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012
This is terrific. This is the most deserving DD I've seen in a long time.

Congratulations, love. :heart:
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Student Writer
Aww, thank you! That means a lot! :heart: So glad you enjoyed reading it!
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the well deserved DD! :heart:
Have a nice day! : )
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! :heart: Glad you enjoyed it! Hope your day is beautiful!
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure :happybounce:
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
many lovely lines here but this...

bone cold until we birth ourselves by warmth
emerge from our shells wet and heaving
uncurl our fingers one by one
joints crackling like fire at our backs


...is especially lovely to me.

congrats on the DD :)
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! :heart: So glad you enjoyed it!
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012   General Artist
Congratulations on the DD, this piece is just fantastic and definitely deserving! :love:
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Student Writer
Aww, thank you! :heart: Glad you liked it!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012   General Artist
Most definitely :heart:
Reply
:iconcrematedman:
CrematedMan Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Student Writer
I feel this idea is done to death, otherwise an exemplary deviation.
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Student Writer
Haha, I could see that. XD Glad you enjoyed my spin on it anyway!
Reply
:icontyrison:
Tyrison Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Student Writer
Firstly, I loved it. What a beautiful season poem!

1. The flow is good; it seems like it was felt out, and it works really well. The only part that was a bit choppy was the first line of the fourth section. Not sure what would help/change it. It's fine as it, but I feel like if it were tweaked a little, it would be better. Just my opinion, though.

2. The images work nicely together; I like the reference to Rosseau; way to go to include psychology in a poem without being awkward. :P I feel like you've really captured the essence of winter. While reading the second section, I could feel that I was standing outside on a half-cloudy winter's night, breath carried away by the wind. Beautiful imagery, and it's not over the top. Very well done!

3. I love the whole thing, but especially the last section. I think you did a great job of ending it, coming in with spring, but it wasn't overdone. I, personally, really like it that way. You captured the idea with few words, which is the essence of poetry.

All in all, a very beautiful piece of poetry. Thanks for sharing! ^^
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you so much for your feedback and beautiful comments!
I'll take a look at the fourth stanza and see if there's a better transition that can be made. It's good to hear that my images carried so well for you. :) Very glad you enjoyed the poem!
Reply
:icontyrison:
Tyrison Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome; it was my pleasure. ^^
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'll start with your questions and see if I need to add anything from there.

1. How is the flow of the poem?
The flow, generally, is WONDERFUL. I'm not sure about your use of "Rousseau" at the beginning - other than the lovely combination of sounds, I'm not sure it really contributes to the imagery very much. However, you've definitely made excellent use of sounds, and those really help carry the piece along, in addition to the story and the images.
I'm a bit uncertain about the last two stanzas, though, which I both LOVE, but I think the use of two "untils" throws the story off just a bit. You seem to visualize the arrival of spring as a single moment, so there should really only be one "until," if that makes sense. I ADORE the imagery in the second-to-last stanza, especially the cracking fingers, but I can't figure out if that's supposed to be a spring moment or not. Perhaps consider combining the last two stanzas? I'm not sure, but I do think there needs to be only one stanza of change.

2. Do the images carry?
For the most part, yes. As I mentioned, I'm unsure about the presence of Rousseau, but I also don't like that little fur and eggshell stanza very much - both forms of imagery threw me off a bit. I get the relationship between the eggshells and the birth, but I'm not sure that stanza is needed, especially since you mention your shell again later...it's probably more personal preference than anything else.

3. Favorite part?
"bone cold until we birth ourselves by warmth
emerge from our shells wet and heaving
uncurl our fingers one by one
joints crackling like fire at our backs"
I just LOVE the combination of sounds and images. Wonderful, wonderful.

I think that pretty much covers everything. This is really a rich piece. I LOVE IT.
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Student Writer
It's good to hear that the flow and images are working so well. :) Some other people have mentioned the use of the philosopher Rousseau as well, I'll see if I can't make that a bit more succinct. Thanks so much for your feed back and comments! :heart:
Reply
:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2012   Writer
Oh. Wow.

I think any decent critique on this will have to be given by someone better versed (badpunsorry) in poetry than me, because I can see very, very few flaws in it, if any, but I'll do my best to give you my impressions!

I adore the images. Particularly "winter has us captured / eggshelled silence" and "bone cold until we birth ourselves by warmth / emerge from our shells wet and heaving" and the last two lines. Argh. :heart:

One really interesting – and effective, I think – thing is how there's no punctuation in the middle three stanzas, it's all lines with no commas or dashes, as if everything is being held suspended. And in a way that's a little disconcerting, and makes me wish slightly for some kind of breathing stop, but actually it doesn't come across as breathless – it comes across as – static? until the very last stanza, when spring comes, and the little rhyme and comma at the end just brings it back to life. Like, the feel and rhythm of the poem conveys its subject just as accurately as its words and images do. Part of me wishes for some back-to-life stuff a little earlier (maybe a comma after "until spring comes"?) but I'm not sure if that would spoil the effect.

The least powerful part, to me, is probably "skittish steps across the ice / snowflakes pasted to our faces / smoke rising from our lips / dragged across bleak clouds" ... not because any of those parts are weak by themselves, but because they don't seem quite as unique as the other ones and they're all together and seem slightly... unlinked? Going off on a bit of a tangent here and being very nitpicky, but if any part of the poem seems to sag/stretch out in the middle, that's probably it. On the other hand... that brings across the endless, endless feel of winter, so it's probably a good thing. The beginning of that stanza is wonderful. The first three lines give me chills.

I love that there are only two mentions of winter, and that they occur at even intervals – like a refrain. I had to look up Rousseau, but I like the reference – it catches your eye and even if you don't know who he is, it speaks of a sort of familiarity stripped away. Love how the images at the beginning are quite fierce but leaning toward the static (windburnt frost, sucking out warmth, poison, slow and cold) and then they become really frozen images (snowflakes pasted, bleak clouds, eggshelled silence, bound) and then go back to moving again in a different way, slow and organic and waking. Another thing – really like "joints crackling like fire at our backs" because it could be like a fire behind you or the joints in your back crackling like fire.

In the end, you probably could tweak this a bit, but to me it reads perfectly as it is, natural and honest, and I can't see anything majorly jarring or inept about it. The way you write is so elegant.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more critique-y; I'm sure someone else can, but I can only bask in this (or maybe bask isn't quite the right word, haha). Beautiful.
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Student Writer
(Wow, sorry for the super late comment!)

Thanks so much for your lovely comments and feedback! I'm extremely flattered that you think so highly of my poetry. :heart: I would also argue that your poetry critique is much better than you think. ;)

I'm glad the punctuation is working out. I had been playing around with it a lot. It's one of those things I usually have to tweak to get just right.

I'll also take another look at the "skittish steps" stanza. I see what you mean about it dragging a bit. I do like the endless effect, but maybe I could connected it better with the major themes running through the poem.

Anyway, I'm thrilled you took the time to give such an in-depth review! Let me know if you ever want me to look at something of yours in return.
Reply
:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012   Writer
You're very welcome! :glomp: No need to apologise for the late reply, sorry in turn! I don't know about that, but I'm glad you found it helpful.
Comments/crits on anything are always lovely, but please don't feel like you had to, I did this because it's a brilliant piece! :heart:
Reply
:iconmothlets:
mothlets Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012   General Artist
1. How is the flow of the poem?

Excellent. One thing i really like about the English language is that it's so phonetically flavorful. hard consonants, versatile vowels -- it's beautiful. however so few people use it well, and you do. this piece is beautiful on the tongue.

2. Do the images carry?

goodness they do! they don't just carry. they seduce you. lift you up and throw you back down, particularly:

3. Favorite part?

"leaving only windburnt frost
tacked to the window pane

all we remember
is the numbness
the shuddering
skittish steps across the ice
snowflakes pasted to our faces
smoke rising from our lips
dragged across bleak clouds"

and

"bone cold until we birth ourselves by warmth
emerge from our shells wet and heaving
uncurl our fingers one by one
joints crackling like fire at our backs

until spring comes
drip by tender drip
old wounds thaw
we are found raw,
graced again by feeling."

absolutely beautiful.
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Student Writer
(Sorry for the late comment!)
Thank you so much for the feedback and lovely comments! So glad you enjoyed the poem! :heart:
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2012   Writer
1. How is the flow of the poem?

:melt: Oh gosh, I think it's lovely. I am in love with this poem. I can really feel it.

2. Do the images carry?

Well, I can certainly visualize my own imagery with what you have written... only you really know whether or not what I have visualized is what you intended to show, I think.

I visualize a winter scene, but even deeper...someone left empty... and when the experience has past fully, we are left with hurt.

3. Favorite part?

old wounds thaw
we are found raw,
graced again by feeling.

and

joints crackling like fire at our backs.

Well done.
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Student Writer
(Sorry for the super late comment!)
Thank you so much for your beautiful words! :heart: So glad you enjoyed the poem.
Reply
:iconpagesofdreams:
PagesOfDreams Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013   Writer
No problem :)
Reply
:iconop1ateddreems:
OP1atedDreems Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2012  Student Writer
The flow is silk--nice around the tongue. the images are positively lovely. and my favorite part has to be the second stanza--it stirs that winter longing. Anyway--fantastic piece.
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Student Writer
(Wow! Super late comment)
Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed the poem! :heart:
Reply
:iconop1ateddreems:
OP1atedDreems Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Student Writer
no problem.
Reply
:iconsarrain:
Sarrain Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012
Nice flow. To me the stanzas tie nicely into eachother and they sounded natural. I thought the imagery was very clear and they really brought life into the poem. The fourth stanza was my favorite because it just sounds so warm and cozy coming in from the cold and into the warmth of a blazing fire! :)
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2012  Student Writer
I agree, there's nothing quite like shaking off the cold and sipping hot chocolate by the fire! Thanks so much, glad you liked the poem! :heart:
Reply
:iconshasta-rose:
Shasta-Rose Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
What a fascinating beginning to your poem! I LOVE the reference to Rousseau, by the way - very creative.

You have a very wonderful, pleasant-sounding word choice that makes the poem run smoothly and create a lot of sensation (not just images, we've got touch, etc. too), especially within the second stanza. Your choice of sounds in the poem is very nice. I'm always greatly affected by how a poem sounds, and you do a nice job with it.

"winter has us captured
bound by fur and walls
drifting in our eggshelled silence"

Really wonderful metaphor, that egg shell. Not only does the phrase "eggshelled silence" have great phonetic sound, but it's incredibly compact, understandable, and really makes the reader feel trapped by winter.

The one thing I would reconsider working on is the last stanza, which has much fewer syllables and words per line than the rest, and makes it feel slightly rushed. "we are found raw" is the one that made me pause a little. That's not saying it's wrong, but it's just something I would reconsider were I the author of this poem.

Thank you so much for sharing this great work!
Reply
:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2012  Student Writer
Wow, late reply! So sorry!

Thanks for the in-depth feedback. It is great to hear that a lot of the things in this poem are working how I intended. Glad you appreciated the reference to Rousseau by the way! ;)

I will definitely look over the last stanza again. I did want it to feel different from the rest of the poem (in a sense a literal "thawing"), but maybe that can be achieved in a way that is similar to the overall rhythm.

Thank you again for your beautiful comments! :heart:
Reply
:iconshasta-rose:
Shasta-Rose Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Glad you appreciated them! And always love to read peoples' works... if you ever want someone to do a thorough read-over, or whatever, give me a message. :)
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:icondull-glitter:
dull-glitter Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks for the offer! Likewise as well! :)
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:iconshasta-rose:
Shasta-Rose Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Wonderful and thank you! :)
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